Teaching our children the lifelong skill of being with our feelings.

 

I was recently in my office working on paperwork at our Early Childhood Center when I overheard a preschool teacher working with a small group of children. She asked, “How are you feeling today?” A small girl maybe 4-years-old must have pointed to the sad face on the poster outside the classroom door. The teacher replied, “You’re feeling sad. It’s okay to feel sad.” She waited a minute and then added, “Sometimes I feel sad too. Sometimes I miss my mom too.”

As I continued to listen I made my way to the hallway to get a better view of this beautiful interaction. As the teacher got down to the little girl’s level, she prompted her to take the picture of herself and place it beneath the visual of a sad face located on the feelings poster on classroom door. Then, in a nurturing way, walked with her into the classroom.

You see, the students get to start their day off at preschool everyday exploring how they are feeling at that particular moment: happy, sad, silly, hungry, mad or sleepy. Observing this interaction brought to mind a couple of things that I would like to draw attention to. First, with her actions the teacher was saying to this child, I see you, I hear you, and acknowledge what you’re experiencing.

It’s so important to be seen and heard; it’s a beautiful way to connect with a child and to validate their feelings. By noticing how a child may be feeling by observing their verbal or non-verbal cues, you help them identify and label their experience.

Secondly, the teacher was teaching the skill of stopping and paying attention to the moment. Every day she gives her students permission to stop, explore and notice for just a moment what they are feeling. As adults we often move through our days on autopilot, completely disconnected and unaware of our thoughts and feelings and how they may be impacting us.

Lastly, the teacher taught the little girl that whatever she was feeling was okay. She gave her permission to be sad and then they were able to move forward with the day. How often do we dismiss how our children (or ourselves) are actually feeling? The teacher could have replied, “You’re fine. You’ll see your mom soon.” Sometimes we try to fix what our children are feeling so that they don’t have to experience discomfort. “Oh, don’t be sad; let’s go inside and play.” Often, we miss out on these teaching opportunities all together by completely ignoring feelings by not acknowledging them at all.

By teaching our children to be mindful of how they are feeling we are building a strong foundation for learning how to be with what we are feeling whatever that feeling is – happy, disappointed, angry, silly or embarrassed.

It’s okay to have these feelings. When we learn to take a moment and pay attention to what it is we are actually feeling, we can learn that feelings won’t hurt us. Feelings are not something that we have to avoid, push away, or even cling to. When we learn to make friends with our feelings, whatever they may be, we learn that they don’t last forever. Feelings, like everything in life, are impermanent; they come and they go. And when this lesson is learned it opens the door to learning how to cope with our feelings more skillfully when they do arise.

So the next time your child appears sad, disappointed or even happy notice how they are feeling. Help them label the feeling. Ask them what it feels like in their body. Give them permission to feel whatever it is they are feeling. Then explore what they might do to cope with this feeling, teaching your child that the feeling won’t last forever and that there are many positive ways to cope with a feeling.

When you take the time to teach your child the skill of being aware of their feelings, give them permission to feel whatever they’re feeling, and then help them cope with that feeling, you are teaching them a lifelong skill of dealing with the ups and downs of what we call life.

 

Author: Jen Rapanos is a licensed clinical social worker, registered children’s yoga teacher, and founder of Well-Bean. Drawing from almost two decades of experience working in schools and as a clinician, Jen blends her comprehensive background in mental health with training in mindfulness and yoga to offer an integrated and holistic approach to treatment.

Used with permission.
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